Why Every Mom Should Talk About Miscarriage

posted in: Challenges, Miscarriage, Motherhood | 1

Once, I had a miscarriage.

And I will not stop talking about it. Probably ever.

I don’t talk about it in a creepy in-your-face way, of course, but when the subject of pregnancy loss comes up, I am not afraid to join the conversation.

Ask me what my tattoo is all about and miscarriage is going to come up.

I will not stop talking about it because things will never stop reminding me of it.

The tired looking new mama pushing the twins in the double stroller. Randomly encountering the ultrasound images of Baby A and Baby B in my desk drawer. Yet another friend revealing yet another twin pregnancy. Or worse, another friend having to tell the world that the happy announcement she made just a few weeks or months prior is now forfeit.

I won’t stop admitting that in a perfect world, I’d have five little ones, not two.

talking about miscarriage P., of course. The babies who died before they were ever mine. And Bo too, who wouldn’t have been born if they’d been born.

I won’t stop admitting I sometimes feel jealous – angrily jealous – of the people I really do care about who just get pregnant and stay pregnant, again and again, as if there actually isn’t a near infinite number of things that can go wrong when egg meets sperm. Jealous of the moms of multiples who come out ahead.

People like me should talk about miscarriage so that people like me don’t find out just how common it is only after they go through it. I don’t shy away from bringing it up in polite conversation so that anyone who has been through it but has never felt like they could talk to anyone will know that they can talk to me.

Years later, I will bring it up so those same people will know it’s still okay to talk years later.

I’m not saying that anyone who isn’t ready should be pressured into sharing their post-miscarriage feelings. Not everyone needs to write about pregnancy loss on their blogs. It’s okay to want nothing less than to discuss your miscarriage in public or even in private. Talking isn’t every woman’s balm. And for some women, it’s just not that big of a deal.

What I am saying is that if you feel like a mother of two or three or four when the world looks at you and sees a mother of two or one or even none, it’s okay to correct people.

If the subject comes up, it’s okay to say “I lost a pregnancy and it still hurts” and it’s equally okay to say “I lost a pregnancy and honestly, it didn’t bother me that much.” No one gets to tell YOU how to feel, after all. And if the subject doesn’t come up, if a different subject comes up, it’s still fine for you to put it on the table because pain is best shared and your pain is both like and unlike her pain and his pain – so you share what you can.

Just share. You never know when your openness will inspire another mama to share her story and on and on until no one who’s experienced pregnancy loss or stillbirth feels weird asking for support.

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  1. Thankyou for sharing. Your post was kind of timely for me. I was making a scrapbook for my grandaughter who is turning one & including some of the ultrasound pictures. In looking through all the pics I came across one such photo that turned out to be of her older sister, our first grandchild, but one we never got to hold, or see grow up. We now have 2 beautiful granddaughters with 2 more to arrive this spring, but the loss of the 1st still tugs at the heart strings.

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