I often notice myself apologizing. Not because I’ve personally done anything at fault, but more like– we both walked in the same direction, so “I’m sorry.” Or, I’m telling a story and “I’m sorry” when people don’t understand. Worse, I’m in a public space and asking questions to assure my daughters safety by questioning if there’s milk present, and “I’m sorry” to ask. I’m not sure where this notion came to me that I should be so “sorry.”
I am all about manners, just ask my 2 daughters, but “sorry” is the wrong wording, and it emits a lack of equality and rights. I’m not sorry, I respectively acknowledge my part in things, but my leadership toward safety is not an act that requires me to feel “sorry” for my behavior. That is what I mean. I’m not sorry to inquire if an area is safe for my daughter. It’s my right and my obligation to know. I’m accountable and responsible for the lives of others, and my inquiry should be understandable AND respected. This notion of internally & so naturally saying the words “I’m sorry”, is not without some unilateral damage.
Have you ever thought about the term “settle down?” Like sheep, we all live a pretty expected life. After college we marry and “settle down”. We settle for a job mostly based on economics and rarely, really based on actual interests or thought. When did we forget our inner passions & desire for real happiness? When did economics and geography begin to hinder dreams? Considering that we’re choosing to give some company the right to dictate 40+ hours a week of our entire lives to; not including the mental baggage of the job we will inevitably carry around in our brains all of the time 24/7. Is that what we worked our butts off in college for? Because, that IS the usual outcome.
There’s such a high divorce rate, indicating that we really aren’t sure how to choose a lifelong partner. Or, at least our knowledge of picking our person is off. It’s usually like a teeter totter. One person in the relationship cares just a bit more than the other, for any number of reasons, and so they stay unhappily together until a decade or more goes by when they both finally realize they can’t work– because they aren’t the right fit. Our society places a degree of failure on these people. Instead of supporting happiness- we chatter about how they weren’t good enough or how they really messed up! Here again, usually revolves around threats of economics and kids.
From kindergarten, us girls are embedded with stories of some Prince Charming coming to “save” us, because we can’t make it on our own?! We are innately and underlyingly told that we need to be saved. Basically that we aren’t enough on our own. I’m happy to see new story lines for my kids generations🙏!
I consciously don’t draw gender labeling lines because I think it impairs growth and connection to your own gifts. To me there’s no such thing as boy things and girl things?!! If my girls want to build a battleship Lego, why shouldn’t they? It’s just building engineering concepts and making them feel (and see) that they’re capable of anything! A boy playing with a doll is great!!! Letting boys play Daddy is such a good thing! Instead of shaming boys who play with dolls, we should encourage it to create hands on fathers! Parenthood is NOT a solely a woman’s job!
Next, after the marriage, we “settle” on a geographic location – most likely because of the job that came with the highest salary. Now, we’re off to buy a home that appears impressive enough to give the facade that we are doing well financially, yet still one we can manage our month to month bills with. Now, we’re legally bound to one person, we’ve dedicated our minds and time to some company to capitalize off, we’re locked to our biggest investment (our house), which is really playing on a scary battlefield of investments –the real estate market, and we’re raising kids mostly on a one sided angle. I’ve seen it so many times! It’s no wonder there’s such a high divorce rate.
Then, one day you realize you don’t even know who you are anymore. As if there’s something wrong with YOU. Then, you find yourself apologizing for things others should make efforts to learn! The real underlying issue is that you haven’t even had a chance to find yourself because you’ve (subconsciously) been looking to be saved your whole life! People get so caught up on arriving at a destination or station in life– that they forget everything beautiful and unique about themselves. When did we quit dreaming and switch to settling?
Be yourself. Find your tribe. Otherwise the moment can happen when you’re too tied up in economics. You can’t sell the house because the market is cold. You can’t quit your job because you have to keep paying for your house. If you’re lucky — you’ve married someone who believes in you. You just might get to rewrite your story. Find your dreams and share them, salvage them. Sell everything and start fresh somewhere else. On your own terms! Forget the facades- who cares! Create the life you want.
Lisa Ficke is a Hello Mamas Influencer, guest writer, and President of FARM, Food Allergy Resources and Mentoring. Follow Lisa on her Blog, Facebook and Twitter! Want to hear more on becoming an Influencer? Contact us! To meet fellow local food allergy mom friends, visit HelloMamas.com