Macaroni necklaces and hand-painted popsicle stick picture frames – I adore these things and will likely be the kind of mom who keeps them for far too long. But like many moms, there’s a teeny tiny part of me that hopes that my family will go above and beyond on Mother’s Day. They say it’s a Hallmark holiday but so what? I spend most of the other Hallmark holidays trying to make sure that everything is magical for everyone else. Why shouldn’t there be one day a year where my family returns the favor?
Chances are this year there will be another picnic, there will be pancakes, homemade cards, and a bouquet of dandelions (handpicked) and daisies (store bought). Maybe a gift from my husband (one year he bought me new tap shoes, sweet!), maybe not (budget’s kind of tight right now). And no matter what, I will love it all. But if I was going to sit around and dream about what I’d really like for Mother’s Day – or, family take note, any other Hallmark holiday – this is some of what I’d unwrap come Sunday.
An unlimited Starbucks card. Like when I have them scan it to find out how much is on it, the register display flashes INFINITE. And maybe some balloons come down from the ceiling to make sure I know I’m a very special customer.
Coffee in bed. Not breakfast. stop with the pancakes. See, I don’t like to eat right after I wake up so I find breakfast in bed to be one of the ungodliest meal concepts ever invented. I’ll take my breakfast at a restaurant at about 10 a.m., thanks.
Not to have to feed anyone. Not just on Mother’s Day but for, oh, at least two weeks. And that includes myself. How long is it okay to eat nothing but cereal? What if the box says it has fiber and is fortified with niacin? What is niacin, anyway?
A new pair of fancy shoes. You know, the kind that won’t get worn much but are soooo nice to just have. TOMS and Crocs are comfy and all but…
Immediate compliance for one 24 period. Look, I’m not a dictator but come on. Would it kill my kids to do things the first time I ask instead of the tenth time I ask, by which time I have raised my voice and now everyone is looking at me like, wow, mom sure yells a lot.
A baba au rhum from Athens Bakery. Because there’s nothing like eating something someone else had to drive two hours round trip to acquire, just for you.
Not to feel tired all the time. And I mean all the time. I don’t know how you can make this happen (or how you’d wrap it) but it’s fun to think about all the things I could do if I had more energy – especially at about 4 p.m. when the kids are really gunning for my attention.
A poem by my family about how much they appreciate me. Maybe it’s a song! Yeah, not happening.
A love letter from my husband. That could happen, but probably won’t. That’s okay, sweetie.
New sunglasses. That have my prescription lenses in them. That were actually fitted at a store and not purchased, fingers crossed, at an online shop whose main selling point is the cheapest glasses around.
Really fancy room spray. Mostly because I clean and I clean but I swear to the good Lord that something about having children in residence makes houses smell kind of funky. My kids have put crayons in the heaters and you don’t even want to know what that smells like.
A vintage Louis Vuitton Graffiti Speedy. In really good condition. Hey, a girl can dream, right?
A Louis Vuitton Cabas Mezzo. Geez, what is wrong with me? I have many very nice bags…moving on.
Really comfortable pants that look like polished pants. Has someone invented this yet? I’m thinking something along the lines of the jegging concept, but much classier. Formal yoga pants? DO THESE EXIST?!
A cocktail or three. Not more wine, thanks. Where’s the effort in buying me a bottle with a funny label because ha ha everyone knows moms love wine. Actually I do love wine but what I’d really like is to lounge out on the deck with a caipirinha made with guaro or hey, how about a Paloma?
For my three-year-old to sleep through the #$%^& night again. I don’t know what happened on February 1 of 2016 but it marks the start of a time of great exhaustion for our little family.
A lounge chair for the deck. Because it’s just not relaxing to have to pretzel myself into a prone position on our wicker love seat and that thing is full of ants anyway.
To feel sexy again. I don’t mean feel sexy after working out, showering, squeezing myself into Spanx, and putting on all the makeup I own. I mean effortlessly sexy, like I used to. I think for this to happen I’d have to stop feeling tired all the time, though.
My car, clean and detailed. What I really want is an old Mercedes. But what I’ll settle for is the cleanest possible version of my crappy aging car, which currently smells just a little like my son’s vomit.
Not a single adventure. Unlike my husband, I like to do what I like to do on my special days. So on Mother’s Day I’d be grateful to eat only food I like (not a new experimental version of something I like) and to go only places I like to go (not some kind of similar place to “check it out”).
Sleep. Okay, we’re back to sleep, which admittedly my poor husband hasn’t gotten much of lately (among other things). How about you let me sleep in on Mother’s Day, which ought to mean taking the kids to the cafe to buy me a treat, not letting them play twenty games of ‘Who Can Yell the Loudest’ at the bottom of the stairs in between crying because they can’t wake me up yet.
Who knows – give me that last gift, and I might just return the favor!
Happy Mother’s Day, mamas!