We’ve all been there. ALL OF US. Awkward approaches at the park. Fake smiles in the grocery aisle. Nervous twitches and long awkward pauses in the conversation. Whatever your story, whatever your family situation… think twice about applying the following tactics while attempting to reel in your next best mom friend. The techniques below? Are designed to fail miserably. Attempt them at your own risk!
1. Dropping that head of romaine
Then crashing your carriage into hers. She won’t see it coming, and it’ll shock her into chat mode. Will she think you’re nuts? Maybe, but what’s more important is that you’re having a real, actual conversation with another adult.
2. Letting your kid do the talking
Once upon a time I taught my son to say hi to complete strangers. He loved saying his first word so much that he didn’t want to stop. It gets the convo going and keeps it going… and going and going. Cue potential local mom friend…
ME: Do you live around…
HIM: HI HI HI HI HI HI
ME: We should totally…
HER: Um, I…
HER: I’m just gonna…
ME: Right, bye.
3. Staring at her and waiting for her to notice
I’m staring at you. You’ll eventually see me. OMG, she see’s me. *smiles hopefully* It’s me, you’re new local mom friend… uh oh, she’s looking away. HEY! I’M. STARING. AT. YOU!!! What, she’s leaving? Noooo. Wait. Don’t go. We’ve only just begun! Why are you leaving?
Stalker? More like stalk her.
4. Carrying her groceries
On purpose? Yes, because what mom can’t use an extra pair of hands? And because hey, what could possibly go wrong when you pile two families worth of groceries in one cart and start trying to wrangle two moms’ worth of kids. If you’re super talented, why not hang onto your 14-month-old by a leg so you can juggle the third grocery bag?
5. Hitting her in the face with a football
Hey, it totally worked out great for Marcia Brady. You know, in the end.
6. Giving her a flat
Having trouble finding the right moment to introduce yourself? Be proactive and create it. Put on your most charming (and least creepy) smile and say, “Oh mama, that’s so horrible – you have a flat tire? Want me to call AAA? We should totally hang out sometime.” With luck, she won’t back away hitting the emergency speed dial on her cell.
7. Following her
There she is. My dream mom friend, walking directly in front of me at this gas station. She’s pulling one of those red wagons with her kiddo sitting in it. She walks right past me, no look, no smile, and takes off around the corner. I toss the car into drive, round the corner with my badass Ford Explorer. HERE I COME, MAMA SOULMATE. And at the exact moment she looks up, I turn quickly and take a hard left. Tires squeal. I clip the sidewalk in the process. Ok, maybe next time.
8. Getting hammered at your next local moms night out
“I reaaaaally think we are such a greeeeaat match!!!! Wooohoooo BFFs Forevs!!!!!!!! Yeaaaaahhhhh!!! We should totally hang out AGAIN!!!! Dance with me!!! <PUKE> Bestie? Where you going? Aren’t you going to hold my hair?” #IWillSoRegretThisInTheMorning
9. Never leaving the house
Because your new local mom friend has ESP and probably knows you are sitting in your momcave with baby on one leg while your toddler is running through puddles of failed potty training disasters. This is day three with no naps. But your mom friend is on psychic speed dial. She will be over after naptime. Probably. Hopefully. Oh, God, please.
10. Making peanut butter cookies
About a quarter of today’s children have nut allergies. Nothing like a trip to the ER to promote bonding!
11. Uncontrollably releasing your inner Mommy Einstein
You’re probably a better potty trainer than her. And your toddler might even have more words than hers. Oh, and yours sleep through the night. “You did what with your kid?” That’s right… keep telling her the RIGHT way to be a mom. She’ll be so grateful that she’ll make you her new baby’s godmother.